In a Trice of Tribulation
by ListeningToTheSilence
Summary: "The. Text. Message." Emma said, as she held up her phone. "You don't even realise what you did." She shook her head, and let out an aggravated sigh. "You sent it to the wrong group." She said, almost in a whisper. "You sent it to the wrong group!" [A collection of one-shots; completely ridiculous]
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

The Troubles of Group Messaging

* * *

David strolled down the street, staring down at his screen. He smiled broadly at the messages he scrolled past, and smiled even broader when he came across his own. He was on his way back to the station, where he and Emma had stayed all day. They had been so caught up with the mounds of paperwork that had been sitting on their desks, that they had lost track of the time. This was the reason why David was out so late at night - with a paper bag in hand, and his phone in the other.

**Prince Charming: **_**New picture message!**_

**Prince Charming: **_**Hope it's not poisonous! #YOLO **_

Attached to his seemingly clever caption, was an image of the pastry he had just purchased. It was an apple based dessert, but as everyone knew, these desserts held a special meaning to the population of Storybrooke.

David placed his phone into his pocket, and pushed the door open with his shoulder. He was about to parade in with their dinner in hand, but was stopped by his daughter. "What the hell did you do?" She exclaimed, with her phone in hand.

His expression indicated sheer surprise, as David took a step backward. "What did I do?"

"The. Text. Message." Emma said, as she held up her phone. "You don't even realise what you did." She shook her head, and let out an aggravated sigh. "You sent it to the wrong group." She said, almost in a whisper. "You sent it _to the wrong group!"_

"What?" David whipped out his phone.

* * *

**Charming/Mills/Gold**

_**last seen at: 9:34 PM**_

**Prince Charming:** _**New picture message!**_

**Prince Charming: **_**Hope it's not poisonous! #YOLO **_

**True Luv3: **_**(┛◉Д◉)┛**__**彡┻━┻**_

* * *

"No." David said, as the realisation of his actions daunted on him. "Oh, that's...that's very _not good._"

"Very _not good?_" Emma repeated, disbelief evident in her expression. "I'm the one who has to _live with her. _What do you think's going to happen to _me?_"

"You know what? Let's just think about this rationally." David suggested, motioning with his hands for Emma to take a breath. "We'll ask Google." He said, as if he were to first to ever think of that solution. "Google has all the answers."

He swiped the messaging application away, and selected another. "You still use Safari?" Emma asked. "Why haven't you downloaded Chrome?"

"Do you _really _want to take about my lack of internet skills now?" David countered. Emma raised her hands in surrender, and let David continue his search.

"Here," said David. "Read this."

* * *

_Subject: How to delete a sent text message?_

_barbiegurl3: hi, i accidently sent a txt dat i reaally don't need to be seen. dos any1 kno how 2 delete it? _

_Answers: (3)_

_**Troll123**_

_Have you tried going to gallery and deleting the photo? If not, can't help ya bro. _

* * *

"Well, did you try that?" Emma asked, pressuring David to hurry. He pressed the home button, and quickly clicked the app that held his photos. He clicked on the most recent picture he had taken, the one that had clearly ensured his doom, and pressed the trash icon in the bottom corner.

"Okay, done." David announced. "Go check it."

Emma hurriedly grabbed her phone, which had been laying on her desk. Frantically closing and reopening apps, her eyes widened. "It's still _there._" She said, sounding like a young child having a temper tantrum. "Do something else!"

David quickly looked back to his phone, searching through the waves of answers that had popped up.

* * *

_**Horseluver1**_

_Here's_ _the link for the user manual to your phone. Sorry, English is not my first language! :D_

* * *

David's thumbs had never moved faster, as he frantically pushed the link several times. "Why isn't it working?" He cried, looking to Emma.

"I don't know!" She responded, frustrated. "Come on, you've fought trolls and giants and goblins and you can't figure out how to use an iPhone?"

* * *

**Charming-Mills-Gold**

_**last seen at: 10:43 PM**_

**Prince Charming:** _**New picture message!**_

**Prince Charming: **_**Hope it's not poisonous! #YOLO **_

**True Luv3: **_**(┛◉Д◉)┛**__**彡┻━┻**_

**Gold: ;)**

* * *

"Why did we even add Gold into the group?" Emma thought aloud.

"Well, he should know about Henry too!" David said, defensively. "That's the whole reason we created this group, so everyone would be informed about everything going on. What _I _don't understand is why we have ten different groups excluded different people! One without Regina, one with. One without Gold, one with. One without-" David stopped, mid-sentence. "Wait, is there a group without me in it?"

"No," Emma said, quickly. "'Course not." As she said this, her phone beeped in her hand - saving her from a dreadfully awkward conversation. "Crap," she said. "I'm late."

Though she was late, she hadn't moved from the spot she currently stood. She merely stared at her phone, completely paralysed.

"What are you waiting for?"

Emma looked up, paling. "I'm late. I need to go home."

"Oh."

* * *

Emma tentatively stepped inside the mansion, desperately hoping that Regina was already in bed. She had removed her shoes, and was now only in socks as she headed up the staircase.

She had made her way to the bedroom, flinching at every noise. Slowly, she turned to knob and pushed the door open just wide enough for her to slip in unnoticed.

Regina was laying in bed with a book in her hand, either too engrossed in the story, or purposefully ignoring her presence.

Time went on blissfully for the next half hour. Emma had showered and readied herself for bed without any disruption. However, when she stepped out of the bathroom to their bed to get under the covers:

"You think I didn't notice?" Regina placed her book on the table next to her, and she looked over to Emma.

The hairs on Emma's back stood straight up, and every fiber of her being screamed for her to run away. "Notice what?" She tried, responding cooly.

Regina turned her head, giving Emma a look she knew all too well. It was the look she had gotten when she had accidently broke a priceless vase, and the look she had received when she had allowed Henry to have sweets before bed. "Emma."

Finally, Emma couldn't hold her secret in any longer. "It wasn't me!" She protested, as she shot up in her seat. "David was out getting dinner, and then _I _got the text and I panicked, so we tried to delete it, but Google didn't help us, and all these weird people with weird usernames couldn't help us, and I so yelled at him, and then I panicked, and...and.."

Emma was silence, as she felt a pair of soft lips press up against hers. The two of them parted, and Regina smirked at the look on Emma's face.

"I know, dear."

* * *

A/N:

[This is my first time writing an "Authors Note" so don't judge me too harshly.]

Hello! My friend, who's the owner of this account, and I had this idea for a story, and spontaneously decided to go with it. Hopefully you've enjoyed it, and maybe reviewed it? :D It's our first Crack!Fic, so please be kind.

We're not exactly sure if we want to continue with the story, or maybe just end it here. It's pretty much up to you guys, and whether or not you enjoyed it. Tell us what you think!

\- Cafe &amp; IDK MY PEN NAME YET SO HI (heysansa on tumblr)

Also the cover image is not ours, and I just thought I'd let you know that now. :)


	2. Chapter 2

THE INTERVENTION

* * *

Whistling while he walked, Dopey, readjusting the purple beanie that covered his tousled brown hair, made his way towards Granny's Diner, eager to meet up with his fellow dwarves. However, once he walked into the establishment, Dopey was met with a rather unexpected welcoming. His friends were all sat in a circle, each with a letter in hand, looking up towards him with solemn expressions.

"What's going on?"

Grumpy glanced towards the dwarves that stood by his side, and, hesitantly, proceeded to take a stand, stepping towards Dopey and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Dopey," Grumpy started, his hat in hand, "We need to talk."

"What's wrong? What happened?" Dopey repeated, brows furrowed in confusion.

Before Grumpy had the chance to formulate a response, a bell chimed, and the dwarves turned to the door. Regina Mills, dressed in a fitted red blazer and black dress, entered the room, pausing only when she realized that she was being watched. Regina analysed the situation, her eyes glazing over the circle in which the dwarves were sat, and then shook her head, proceeding to head towards the bar, waiting for Granny to emerge from the kitchens.

"Don't try and lie to us, Dopey," Sleepy said, through a slow yawn. "We know the truth."

Dopey continued to stare at his friends, seemingly bemused. "I don't even know what you're talking about."

Sneezy sneezed, a loud cacophony that completely disrupted the seriousness of the current conversation. "Sorry," he mumbled, realising the sudden amount of attention he was receiving. Sneezy brought the sleeve of his tan coat to his face, proceeding to subtly wipe his nose with it.

Grumpy rolled his eyes, turning the dwarves attention back to Dopey. "We found your stash, man." He revealed, gritting his teeth. "_Drugs_? Really? I can't believe you'd do something like that."

Regina, still sat at the bar, glanced to Granny, who'd entered the room when a loud noise had distracted her from work. Granny smiled in return, reaching under the table for a bottle of alcohol, and two shot glasses.

"_None _of us should be doing stuff like this, Dopey," said Doc, giving the rest of the dwarves a knowing look. "We're _miners_, after all."

Grumpy nodded, solemnly, in agreement. "It's not just that," he added. "We're dwarves, Dopey! Us dwarves are supposed to be the good guys! The underdogs! Heros shouldn't be smoking pot!"

Sneezy, again, sneezed. This time he had been prepared, amassing a collection of tissues that he'd held to his face in order to soften the noise. However, this was to no avail.

Regina gave Granny another look, and a silent understanding passed between the two. She reached for the bottle she'd taken from the bar and topped up their glasses, and then, together, Regina and Granny knocked back their drinks.

Bashful opened the envelope in his hand, revealing a tear stained letter. "We all wrote you a letter, because Grumpy said he saw some people do it on some reality show. We were supposed to tell you how we feel about where your life is going."

Sleepy stepped forward, and placed a hand on Bashful's shoulder, giving him an encouraging nod. Bashful smiled in return, and then unfolded the letter. "Dopey," he started, glancing towards the dwarf in question. "Don't do drugs. Love, Bashful."

Grumpy sighed dramatically, beginning to massage his temples. "Dude," he said, clearly exasperated. "I gave you two days to write that. I gave you two days, and you wrote _five words._"

Bashful gave him a humbled, and, well, _bashful,_ smile. "And I meant every one of them."

Rolling his eyes, Grumpy looked over to Sneezy, frantically motioning for him to start reading his own letter. "You," he said, roughly. "Go. Speak. Say words."

Sneezy pulled out a piece of crumpled paper from his right pocket. He unfolded the letter halfway, but then crumpled it back up. "I, uh, didn't have a tissue." He explained to the group, sneezing again, then placing the crumpled piece of paper right up to his nose. Regina and Granny knocked back another drink.

"Uh," Sneezy looked down to the floor, trying to conjure up something to say. "Dopey, you're great. You've been like a brother to me. And, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think we can hang out anymore."

"Wait, what?" Grumpy said, incredulously. "How is that supposed to be supportive? I told you to write something _nice._"

"Sorry!" Sneezy said, again, sneezing into his shoulder, as Regina and Granny, in the background, knocked back some more whisky. "It's just, I think I might be allergic to weed, or like, the plant thing that it comes from. I mean, I swear, I don't think I've been able to breathe properly since, like, last year. I don't even think I remember what air smells like. You can't expect me to share a bunk bed with that guy! He probably hides his stash in his mattress!"

"Okay, okay, you know what? Shut up." Grumpy said, pointing an accusatory finger towards Sneezy. "Sleepy," he turned his head, and his finger, towards the dwarf, only to find that he'd fallen into a deep sleep. "Are you _actually _kidding me right now? _This _is what I have to deal with?"

"You know," Happy slurred, standing up from his chair in the corner, where he'd been oddly quiet for the duration of this meeting. "You," Happy began, pointing at Dopey, who looked startled. "You are in _America. _The country of _freedom._" He tried to take a step forward, but stumbled over one of the chairs in his path, this, however, did not deter him from his speech. "You can't let _the man _tell you what to do! Yo-you are a _free dwarf_-"

"O-okay," said Doc, who had gotten out of his own seat and was attempting to settle Happy down. "Why don't you just take se-"

"No!" said Happy, resisting Doc's grip. "We can't let him get his way, that's _just _what _the man _wan-" He paused, noticing the whispers passing between Sneezy and Grumpy. "Hey, hey what are you whispering over there? What's going on?"

Another tentative glance was exchanged between the two. "Happy, did you," Sneezy looked back at Grumpy for a moment, who nodded furiously. "Did you take...something? Before we got here?"

"It," Happy said, pausing, "Is my _right _as an _American _citizen to-"

"Alright, alright, you're done," Doc said, leading Happy to the door, and out of the diner to calm down.

"Oh my _God,_" Grumpy mumbled under his breath, exasperated. "All I wanted was a good old fashioned _intervention_. Was that too much to ask?" He shook his head, and then reached for a final letter that rested in his pocket. "I guess I'll go then."

"Dopey. At first when we found your stash, I was really disappointed in you. Seriously weed? You should know better than that, and then when I started thinking about I got real angry."

Granny, who'd been swaying in a rather drunkenly manner, giggled, causing all the dwarves to turn to her, with irritated expressions plastered on their faces. "You know," the woman hiccoughed, "I always knew it would be one of you. I mean, dwarves are all pretty suspicious. You guys mine "gold"? Not once, not in my entire life, have I _ever _seen a dwarf mining gold. So what're y'all really doing? What're y'all _hiding_?" She jeered, leaning over the table, and almost falling over it in the process.

"You mine gold _underground_," explained Sneezy, who proceeded to sneeze into another handkerchief, as Regina, still sat at the bar, knocked back another shot. "You wouldn't have seen us because we'd have been under-"

"Oh, shut _up_," Regina groaned, slamming the shot glass on the counter. "_Everyone_ knew it would be you," she said, pointing an accusatory finger towards Dopey. "There was like, zero doubt. Negative doubt. I mean, for God's sake, your name is _Dopey_."

"But, then, who will I be?" Dopey asked, in a hushed tone. "Who am I now, if not _Dopey_?"

The door slammed open, and Happy, who was being followed by a frantic Doc, re-entered the diner. "Who am I, you ask?" he shouted, with a patriotic undertone, his voice reverberating throughout the restaurant. "Who am I? Can I conceal myself for evermore-"

"What the hell is he doing?"

"-pretend I'm not the man I was before?" Happy sang, without a care in the world. He scrambled to stand upon one of the empty tables, his fist raised in a rebellious manner. "And must my name until I die, be no more than an alibi-"

"Shut up!" Grumpy shouted, clearly annoyed. No, more than annoyed. Exasperated. Affronted. Completely vexed.

Happy shut his mouth, irritated, and pressed his lips together. Grumpy turned around, equally irritated, and muttered under his breath, mocking Happy, who proceeded to take a swig of the beer in his hand.

Sleepy, who'd been lounging in a chair nearby, was suddenly jerked awake. "Where am I?" he asked, disoriented.

Happy's expression lit up, and he pointed to his fellow dwarf. "Yes, man!" he shouted, misinterpreting what Sleepy had just uttered. "Who else is with me? Viva la Americano! Viva la revolution! The world is a goldmine! You've just got to mine it! Freedom-"

Happy fell, face first, on the floor, the beer he was holding smashing into several pieces. Behind him stood Doc, who was smiling. "Oh," he said, taking in everyone's surprised expressions. "Yeah, I spiked his drink. He needed a nap."

The bell on the diner's door rang, signalling that a new customer was about to walk in. Emma Swan, however, did not walk in. Instead, she paused at the door, watching as the two dwarves began to drag Happy across the floor. "Is everything alright?" she asked, tentatively, unsure of whether or not she actually wanted to hear the answer.

Regina eagerly swiped her purse from the bar, momentarily glancing back at her drinking partner, whose cheeks were beet read. "Right," she said, in remembrance. "_That's _why I was here."

She walked over to the door, stumbling over her own feet as she did, while Emma simply stared in confusion. "What happened?" she asked, again.

"You know," Regina hiccoughed, ignoring the question entirely. "You would be surprised at just how many times one little, itty bitty dwarf can sneeze in an hour. The number's up to, like, a hundred," she slurred, placing one hand on the wall to steady herself.

Emma raised a brow, questioningly. "Right, so you're _definitely _hammered," she observed. "We should get you home."

"What about our date?" Regina whined.

Emma shrugged, nonchalantly. "There's no way I'm going out with you when you're this drunk. It'd be more like babysitting." She paused. "What did you have to drink, anyways?"

"I don't know," Regina mumbled, brows furrowed. "I could go and ask-" she turned back to the bar, but it seemed as though it was now closed, seeing as it's tender was passed out on the table. "Oh,"

Emma chuckled. "That's alright," she said, gently turning Regina's head back towards her. "You can ask another time. You owe me another date anyways."

Regina smiled, teasingly, at Emma, and without any forethought, she pressed her alcohol soaked lips against the blonde's.

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Hello, and thanks for giving this a read! And, before you ask: yes, we were completely sober while writing this. I know, it's hard to believe. Anyways, if you liked the story - or even if you didn't - make sure to give it a review! They really brighten our day :)

P.S How many ridiculous puns did you catch? Let us know! Or leave us a ridiculous fairytale based pun in a review :)


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